Rain, Rain- Go Away!

Can you see the smiles? Can you? My kids are like the "water witches" of mud. It's like a gift. A gift from a very sarcastic, very twisted member of upper management.

W. got his progress report!

Pay special attention to the comments dated 4-23.

4-23: W's grades are good. He needs to work on behavior and manners, ie, not burping in students faces or saying inappropriate things.

All I'm saying is that I'm making his dad sign this one.

Becoming a Cockroach

Written by W. for a school assignment. (typed verbatim)

Page 1.

I got done watching t.v. and I went to my room. I got ready for bed and went to sleep. I could feel the weight of my cat curling up on top of me.

Page 2.

Ought of a sudden, I got squashed by my cat and I woke up. My cat saw me and tried to eat me.

Page 3.

I scurried to my door and my cat chased me. My mom saw me and she tried to squash me

Page 4.

I ran out of the house and knew I would never see my family again. I ran into the street and almost got hit by a car.

Page 5.

I went into the grass and a bird tried to eat me. I saw other roaches and I lived with them.

Page 6.

The next morning I woke up and found out it was just a dream.

Fun with mustard

There was a moment of silence in my house today.

No, it wasn't mourning, or even remotely respectful. It was dire warning of catastrophe to come.

Every parent of young children knows what that quick moment of quiet means. STAINS! BLOOD! POISON CONTROL!

Fully expecting such a sight, I rounded the living room corner only to see C. emptying the mustard bottle onto Max The Dog's back. I must have made some kind of noise warning him of my approach because he pivoted, thrust the bottle into L.'s hands and stood there...gaping in open-mouthed bewilderment at what his sister had done.

"I didn't do anything!" C. announced. (He says that everytime he's caught actually doing something.

"What's this then?" I say, gesturing at The Dog's mustard-back.

"Oooooh, look what LLLLLLLLL did!!" he said. Pointing. "You're in troublllllle!" C. scoffed.

If only I were so naive.

I am now a Harvard Reject

I found out yesterday that I didn't get into Harvard.

The transition from Harvard Hopeful to Harvard Reject took me some getting used to.




comments include:

Cookie's Human
March 3rd, 2008 at 6:16 am

Feedback from Buyer: Ordered “beautiful, well behaved orange kitteh. Received Cat out of Hell. Dealer refuses all attempts at communication. Will not deal with him again.

Feedback from Dealer: Buyer is stoopid liar. Shuld be banned from Ebay. Sent buyer the exact cat he ordered; contents must have shifted in mail. Not my fault; will not refund any money.



found here: crazy cat pics

What, do you think you're 20 RIGHT NOW?!?!

W. asked me tonight if he could start a myspace page.
I asked him, "Why? Do you need more exposure for your band?"

Blank look. Pause.

"What's next?" I scoffed, " You want me to take a picture of you in your bathing suit?".

"Actually", my ten-year old said, "I want you to email me that picture where I'm wearing that hat so I can post it in my profile".

It might take us a while to recover.

Flowerpot Painting

Why, who could have done such a thing??

Oh yes, I think we've found the culprit.

You guys were supposed to be painting flowerpots! Where ARE the flowerpots anyway?

W. is too cool to smile. Isn't he a handsome devil, though? It's hard to tell with the hat and the scowl....but he's hilarious. He'll be 20 tomorrow. HA! That's what he thinks.

Busted!!

Repeat after me..."I am not a stage mom"

Apparently there are some concerns over a disproportionate number of pictures of L. Something about a ratio of 3:1 blah blah blah, I must be a stage-mom blah. *sigh*

Okay, lemme break it down for ya.

1) Girls are cuter. It's a fact.

2) Pigtails are hard to do when a child has an inch of hair. I like pigtails. I like pictures of pigtails. I like to take pictures of cute toddlers with pigtails and look at them. I even like to let others look at them. Crazy, I know.

3) Stage mom? SERIOUSLY?!?! There are so many responses to this I don't even know which one to go with. Have you seen my kids? Maybe if a stage mom is now the equivalent of the "Queen of Dirtiness" or " Bearer of Panty-faces" or " Breeder of boys who threaten to throw their brothers in ditches".

4) How many pictures of a scowling tween or dirty 3 yr old boy do you really want to see? Even dirt is cuter on girls. Deal.

5)Suck it up. This is my site and I can publish as many pictures of L. as I want. So there.

Oh L....

When I look at this picture, I think ___________________________.

a) Are those underwear clean?
b) Why is her hair wet?
c) Where's C. and why is his underwear on L.'s arm?
d) Could the same reason that L.'s hair is wet be positively correlated to why C. doesn't have his underwear on?
e) all of the above

AHA!

Now I know why my armchairs are always so dirty!









That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I should have known...

I told the kids to go play on the screened porch while I folded clothes.

5 minutes later....





Silly mom!

Oh, hell yeah! We're going on a walk EVERY night. And yes, for those wondering, they are all cashed out. Including the L. munchkin hanging off the edge. WOOO HOO!

The moral of this story is: When you have three kids, you have NO idea what to do with yourself if all of your children are asleep.

Then, you realize that you are 30...and suddenly you're tired.

Ariel

Tonight at dinner, C. told me that he wants to be a wrestler when he grows up. I told him that was about 1,000 times better than what W. wanted to be when he was three.

Of course, W. wanted to know what that was. "Ahhhh, aaaah, ahhh,aaaaaaaa" I sang. Ariel, I'm not.

He got the point. He immediately started laughing and I reminded him that he wanted to be The Little Mermaid so bad he got her bikini for Halloween one year and rode around in the car singing her "aaaaaahh" song.

Happily, I might add.



W.: The little mermaid is stupid.

Me: W. we don't say stupid (shooting a look at his little brother so he'd know what I meant)

W.: Fine. I hate The Little Mermaid.

C: (*GASPS* and looks at his brother...he LOVES the little mermaid)

Me: (laughing now) W. we don't say hate.

W.: Fine. C. The Little Mermaid wants to poop on you.

Me: W. we DEFINATELY don't say The Little Mermaid wants to poop on us.

Conspiracy Theories

All I know is that the CIA has nothing on my kids+dog team.

At one point, L. was in the living room pulling my books off the bookshelves and Max The Dog was shredding them. Once they saw me coming, they skeedaddled quickly into L.'s room. I swear the dog was actually grinning. Once there, they provided "cover" by continuing the book shredding, shrieking and gruffing. Cover for what you may ask?

I careened around the corner to stop the carnage and once out of sight, W. began to antagonize C. in the kitchen.

So, I'm in L.'s room saving the books, L. is continuing to "feed" Max The Dog ripped-up pages over my ineffectual protests and two rooms over I can hear W. telling C. that he's going to bury him outside in the ditch.

Goal: Destroy Mom's sanity.

Score one for the masterminds.

Later the same day....

I just realized that Spring Break is in two weeks.

YIPPEE!

Are you kidding me?

Yesterday, the temperature was probably in the high 60's maybe even into the 70's. It was a beautiful day; perfect spring weather. We went to the dog park to let Max run around. After he got tired to the point of constant, uncontrollable drooling, we headed to the kids' park to wear the kids out. Unfortunately, they have the stamina of husky pack dogs so we walked around the neighborhood enjoying the warmth and sunshine. All in all, we were out and about for around 2 hrs. We actually got sunburned. Delicious.

Today, W.'s school closed at 1pm.

Here are some hints why:

We DO still live in Texas, right?

Happy Anniversary!

Together 12 years today, March 2nd. Awwwwwww!

I decided not to write too much since I'm waaaay too mushy, but here are some pictures of our little family. Weird to think that it all started with two high-schoolers who loved each other.

Thank you for giving me my family, my love.

Max, W. and a friend enjoying a "dog" sleepover.

Uh oh! L. found her brother's Nintendo DS. And somehow knows how to play??

Sweet C. and his "happy tongue".

Ambush the Children

Today was "Ambush the Children" and attempt to take pictures of them with my (very) shaky camera phone...which I quickly realized was a piece of crap. My delightful phone made this a wonderful experience by completely shutting down every time I pushed the camera button.

Here are the results:


W. in all his glory. He'd just walked in the door from school and I had to pretend the phone wasn't working in order to catch him actually smiling (I even used a real curse word which seemed to rock his world).

File this one away for posterity....it'll never happen again. Especially in the direction of or anywhere near his mother.

He's officially a "tween" and scowling is the new black.




C. Need I say more?

Today he was "Sonic". In order to take his picture I had to say "Sonic! Look over here!". He "saved me" several times during the picture-taking, so this is the only one that's not a giant blue blur.

You do what you gotta do. Yesterday he was "C. Potter", so at least he's washed the scar off his forehead.

I'm just hoping he'll still love his mother when he realizes he's a stud-muffin.



L. would not for the love-of-all-that-is-holy look directly at me, so this is the best you get.

And yes, that is drool all down the front of her shirt.

And no, I didn't change it when we came inside. In fact, the wet-drool stain is almost to her belly-button as we speak.

She's a work of art. Shoulda seen her little converse high-tops!

Mom's Night Out

Last night I went out to eat with some friends. The kids stayed home with M. (of course) and according to my phone reports, all was well.

Until I woke up this morning and realized that apparently M. wasn't watching one of them at all.

C: "But Mom, I tried to clean the toothpaste up with the rug...and then Daddy said to leave it for you."

It's a Key!

I walked by my son today, pressed against the door. At first glance, I thought he was looking out the window. Then, I noticed he was distracted. With his hands in his pants.

Now, let it be known, I'm talking about a 3 year old, so when I say "pants" I mean "underwear" since he literally strips down as soon as we enter our house.

So, like I said, his hands are in his pants.

I kind of linger...lurking behind him, floating around trying to see what he's doing, but not wanting to be so obvious that he stops. He's doing something...lurching, twisting.

Finally, I realize.

Me: "C. are you trying to stick your penis into the door?"
C: "Yep."
Me: "Why?"
C: (rolls his eyes, looking at me like the idiot I clearly am.) "Um, because my penis is a KEY?!"

I clearly have ruined his game. He gives me a look, sighs, puts his penis away and wanders into the kitchen for a snack.

Yum!

It's been really nasty weather out here and we've been cooped up waaaaay too long. When an adult actually begin enjoying Yo!Gabba Gabba! and is really impressed with "Dancey-Dance Time" it's time to get back into the world of raging consumerism.

So I jumped at the opportunity to go to the mall's soft-play area and let the kids run wild while begging for candy and toys and Coach bags!

After C. got tired of launching himself off of things onto L.'s back and L. got tired of being ambushed, we made our way to Chik-fil-a. (The staple of SAHM's everywhere who just want a friggin milkshake and some decent nuggets).

L. gobbled her chicken nuggets like a snarling pup, so I gave her some fruit. She was licking a grape, deciding whether or not she wanted it. Suddenly (and with a POP!) she propelled the grape from her mouth with such force, it flew across the table...landing in front of C.

C. My Darling son, proceeds to watch the grape's graceful flight, grabs it when it lands (before the first bounce), shoves it in his mouth-still wet with spit- and swallows it.

L. and I watch, impressed, icked-out and more than a little bit astounded.

It's official. I'm the Kmart shopper whose kids have chocolate smeared on their hands and faces. I'm the mom whose kids lick shoes. I may as well be this lady.

La Valse

My love sings for you. Oh beloved, if you only knew the depths.

The beginning starts quietly (the mist), with the rumblings of the double basses. Silently and gradually, instruments play fragmented melodies, gradually building into a subdued tune on bassoons and violas. Eventually, the harps signal the beginning culmination of instruments into the graceful melody. Led by the violins, the orchestra erupts into the work's principal waltz theme.

M.

M. and I have been together for almost 12 yrs. He's my best friend.

My Morning Dress

This is exactly what I'm wearing right now. I never wear my pajamas until noon. I make sure I'm wearing the appropriate clothing for my activities that day. For example, this dress is meant for doing light cleaning, recieving female callers and eating biscuits.

Perfect. That's just what I have planned.

Typical

It's my first official post. I want to make sure everything is perfect on the blog-front. After thinking long and hard about what I want to name my new past-time (and getting most of my good ideas denied because they're taken already) I finally decided on lilyinthemiddle.blogspot.com.

I know. It looks weird.

I told M. that it looks like it says lilyin instead of lily in the middle, but the only other good option we came up with was dirtyfeet.blogspot.com. Taken.

W. (my oldest) suggested supersaver.com and findit.com until I informed him that we aren't selling anything....other than my self-esteem and reasonable privacy rights.

He said "Oh, what about meangreen.com or crazyaboutmom.com." Of course, all that kissing up deserved at least a "That's a GREAT idea!" which he promptly got.

Then I requested that he take a shower and actually wash his hair...an outlandish request at best to a stinky 10-year old with questionable hygiene. After he got out of the shower, he covered his head with a Santa hat and informed me that he washed his hair. I told him I wanted to smell it. He got back in the shower.

So, back to my brilliant dream of the perfect first post.

Pictures lined up on the camera? Check.
Ideas for the first post? Check.
Science fair project for W. finished and turned in? Check.

What do I actually have to show for it? Crap, that's what. Crap.

Pictures of the family? Ha. My family scoffs at pictures. Technically, they scoff at pretty much anything that will make my brilliant dream of the perfect first post come true. C. (my middle child, a darling 3 yr old) stole my camera battery out of the charger and for some real kicks, gave it to L. (my youngest at 13 months) to drool on and use as a teether. Camera battery? Bloated and destroyed.

Ideas for the first post? No problem. I'll get on my desktop and retrieve my genius ramblings. Oh, what's this? Bloop. L. has once again used her powers for evil and has pressed all the buttons on my computer, resulting in a total meltdown.

Children-3; My Dreams- dying in front of my eyes.

Hell, at least I still have that science fair project that we finished up last night.